Tangled
by SarahJane1990
Summary: A look from Sara's perspective on her relationship and recent separation from Grissom.


**SUMMARY:** A look from Sara's perspective on her relationship and recent separation from Grissom.

**DISCLAIMER:** I do not own any of the CSI characters or the story it is based on… I merely borrowed them to help me work through my GSR feels

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**Tangled:**

Why did it have to be so hard? Surely there had to be an easy solution. One that saw the both of us happy. One that didn't throw everything I thought I knew out the window. There was. Or so he thinks. But did he really believe that this would make me happy? That this was the right solution? That it was what I wanted? That walking away was all that was left to do?

If I were to be completely honest, if only with myself, I do know that this easy solution doesn't exist. No matter what someone would end up hurt. That's life. That's our life. Never had our relationship been easy. It always required work. Effort on both our parts. A constant push and pull. I thought that's what made it real. That the effort showed we cared. Even from the other side of the world.

The second his effort, his work, his push-pull ended I knew it was over. I didn't want to accept it, no, but I knew. So I distanced myself. Stopped my effort hoping, wishing he'd fight. Fight for us. Fight for me. Like I had for him so many times over the years. I should have known though. When I pulled away the first time he'd stalled. Made no decision. But that no decision had been his decision. He'd walked away. Left me to break when I needed him to find me the most. Eventually he came back. Put me before his work. Left what he though defined him for me. So why couldn't he now? Why couldn't I now? Was the hurt and frustration, the tears worth putting our careers before ourselves? Before our relationship?

So much had changed since then though. Since he left Vegas. It was great at first. We were settled. Finally enjoying life. A life with each other. But I had that nagging need to go back. I had been the one to leave again. So can I really expect him to keep following whenever I run? I can't. It's not fair to him. I know this. But he can't expect me to pretend. Pretend to be happy watching him thrive while I felt even more lost than when I left Vegas. That wouldn't be fair either. The resentment it would have generated would have killed me. More so than this. I can still fight. I still have something to fight for. But how do I fight for something there isn't a way to fix?

Our relationship had never been fair. From the beginning he was constantly keeping me at arms length. Pulling me in when it suited him. Stringing me along. He seemed to know just when to do it too. Always pulling when I was ready to walk away. Always when I began to find a glimpse of happiness elsewhere. How was that fair to me? He knew. He knew what it was doing to me. Slowly killing me but I was stuck. Much like I am now. Waiting, hoping he'd throw me a bone and jumping the second he did.

He keeps saying he just wants me to be happy. Doesn't he know that, that can only be possible if I still have him? He should know this. His voice keeps me sane and his love keeps me going. Without him my world would crumble. It's not something I'm proud of. Not something I like. But isn't that love? Reliance on another? For comfort, strength and understanding? Well isn't that what it's supposed to be? Not missed phone calls and weeks without any form of communication. How can one be there for the other if they are shutting you out? They can't and that's our problem. Not the distance, not the lack of communication because even without those we still know we love each other. That's never been the issue. It's his tendency to pull away and shut me out that's the problem. Him pulling away and making decisions for me. Decisions that I deserve, no, have a right to an opinion on. So why don't I? If I know this why don't I fight him on it? Because I fear it will cause him to pull away further. But how much further can he pull away? He's already on the other side of the world and he's already asked for a separation. Yet I still cant tell him how I truly feel. Maybe that makes me as bad as him.

I try to be open with him. Try to tell him how things make me feel. But how open can I be with a man who doesn't share anything with me? So no, I'm not as bad as he is. I worked through my insecurities and emotional baggage. I let him see it all. Not once has he done the same. Not once can I say he's been completely open and exposed to me. I've let him see parts of me I dare not show anyone and he can't even give me the same. How have we made it this far? We've survived this long because I've let it go. I've made excuses for him. Because I settled when I realized that, that was him, socially awkward and hard to get to know. I settled for the little bits he gave me. I settled for less than I deserved. I settled for part of a man. We had no chance of it being easy. We had no chance to survive forever. There was never another ending for us. There could be no other ending. Not when one was more invested than the other. Not when he didn't deserve what I gave him. Not when I realized I deserved more than what he was giving me. Love couldn't survive when one needed the other more.


End file.
